What you need to know about Non-Morning People

I am not a morning person. I continually fail to understand why people who have known me for many years appear to forget this. Ultimately, I have decided that they are suicidal and they have chosen me as the means to that end. If you are not suicidal, here are some tips to survive the early hours with a non-morning person.

1. Do not speak. In fact, try not to make any noise at all. Whatever you do, never speak directly to the non-morning person.

2. Do not make eye contact. This is considered a precursor to speech. Don’t do it.

3. Do not block the sink, the doorway, the hallway, and most especially the coffee pot.

4. If at all possible, leave random steaming cups of caffeinated beverages around the house to distract the non-morning person from yourself.

5. Do not be cheerful (i.e. loud) within sight or hearing of the non-morning person. Witnessing early morning cheerfulness is known to significantly delay the caffeine response in the afflicted. You do not want this.

6. Do not take it personally when a non-morning person does not return a chipper morning greeting. You have violated rule 5 and she is simply busy trying not to kill you.

7 – 9 DO NOT SPEAK to the non-morning person. This is repeated for your own benefit. Learn it. Live it. Tattoo it on your arm if necessary.

10. If you must speak to the non-morning person, first check to see if she has coffee in her hands. This will help distract her from the urge to cause you bodily harm. If you’re lucky, she may answer in something approximating English. It may or may not contain expletives though. Sorry.

The above rules will generally be in effect until no less than 3 large cups of decent grade coffee are consumed. Violate them at you own risk.

20131105-103241.jpg